Come on! The job we mums do is immense! We are bringing up the next generation, guiding them, loving them, disciplining them and teaching them. What greater work is there than this. Be proud and hold your head up high. There is no ‘just’ about it.

Like any important job we need to constantly take stock of how well we are doing, learn from the feedback we observe in our children and make the necessary changes based on the choices we have available. Remember you can call upon skills you have in all the many different areas of your life; work, sport, social and so on. Think about what you do well in all aspects of your life and consider what that also means you can do in your parenting.

During the course of the workshop we experimented with using body language alone to communicate with our children and mums realised that generally they used too many words and did a lot of explaining. When they thought about how they’d ask someone at work to do something and applied the same length of sentence, the same tone and belief that it would be done, they all noticed how much more effective they were and were looking forward to trying it out at home later!

Parents workshops are great fun both for me and those I work with and it’s fantastic to see how NLP gives mums and dads (yes there was one dad in Saturday’s group!) another way, choices and the possibility to change how they communicate with their children.

There are some workshops happening in London during June so if you are able to come along please do. They are on the NLP Dynamics website

If you can’t then please buy my book Teach Yourself: Be a happier parent with NLP from my Bookshop or Amazon UK or Amazon US or The Book Depository (free shipping worldwide) 

NLP has some great tools and techniques for raising low self esteem but my question today is “just how much of it do we want?”

We all know of precocious children who push themselves forward for the lead part in the school plays, are the first to put their hand up in class and have no problem expressing themselves. Then there are those who pretend to be invisible when the parts are being allocated, ask to be behind the scenes, become tongue-tied when you ask them a question and only ask questions directly posed to them in class. It would seem that to have self-esteem somewhere in the middle would be ideal for most of us unless we are planning a theatrical career.

Another option would be to have self esteem along a sliding scale so we could have it as a resource to dip into when we need to or want to stand out in a particular way. This seems to me to be ideal. After all, there may be times when we or our children are happy to take a back seat and allow others to shine and then there are times when we want to take centre stage. So how about instead of thinking of ourselves as having low or high self esteem; we think of having access to this sliding scale as a resource to access as and when we need it. This takes it away from being part of our identity as in ‘he is shy’ or ‘she lacks confidence’ and moves us into using it as a resource that we can choose.

If this idea appeals to you as something you want to pass on to your children; you can do this by:

1) Observing in them and pointing out to them, times or occasions when they show confidence so they recognise what it looks, sounds and feels like.

2) At times when they need this confidence but don’t think they have it, remind them when they did and how it manifested itself to you so they can recall it and access the physiology and self talk.

3) Share with them the idea of self esteem being a sliding scale and ask them what level of confidence they need for different situations so you can get them thinking about it.

4) Notice other peoples levels of confidence and share with your child what you notice and whether the level of confidence fits the situation or may be slightly too much or too little to encourage them to recognise this in themselves.

My self-esteem book won’t be out until next year but if you find this issue interesting there is a chapter in Be a happier parent with NLP on coping with lack of confidence in parents and children and a topic specifically on giving your child confidence. You can buy the book here. If you feel a session on confidence would help you so that you can pass it on to your child contact me via SKYPE judy.bartkowiak

1)      What beliefs do you have about going back to work/starting a business or whatever you are thinking of doing? Where do these beliefs come from? Are they working for you or against you? If your current beliefs about being a mummy are not helpful, rethink them. Maybe a new belief will suit your current circumstances better. Beliefs are not values; after all, you don’t believe in Father Christmas any more I suspect!

2)      Who are you? After having a baby our identity shifts and we become a ‘mummy’ and sometimes that work identity gets lost for a while. You may need to ask yourself the question “Who am I when I am a working person?” and recall all the skills and strengths you have with that identity. Make a list to remind yourself of all the resources you have.

3)      Are you visual, auditory or kinaesthetic? Do you think in images, sounds or action? Now is a great opportunity to rethink what you want to do in your working life. Set some goals and a compelling vision for the work you’d like to do.

4)      Visions and goals need to be worded in the positive and state what you do want not what you don’t want. Visualise yourself doing what you feel passionate about.

5)      Self-esteem often plummets after you’ve had a baby so build it up by thinking about all the things you do well and what that means you can also do well, the skills you have that enable you to do it well and how else you could use these skills in a work context. It will help to also add those things that other people say you do well.

6)      If you spot it you’ve got it. As mummies we often admire other mummies and compare ourselves with them, often unfavourably. Whatever you notice in another mummy, you also have; that’s how you are able to recognise it. So when you admire someone else’s skill ask yourself “and how do I also have this skill?” maybe it’s not identical but you will have the structure of that skill.

7)      Avoid words like ‘should’ and ‘can’t’, ‘but’ and ‘try’ they are all limiting beliefs so challenge them by saying “and what if I could?” Just DO IT!

Judy Bartkowiak is the author of Teach Yourself: Be a happier parent with NLP (Hodder Education) and the Engaging NLP series of workbooks including NLP for New Mums and NLP for Back to Work, NLP for Children, NLP for Parents, NLP for Teachers and NLP for Teens. You can buy her books at www.nlpandkidsbooks.com where you can also arrange an NLP FREE CHAT and NLP Consultation via SKYPE. Join her Facebook Group – NLP Kids https://www.facebook.com/groups/343575227600/ for exchanging views on parenting using NLP.

Is their another option?

Judy Bartkowiak’s book NLP Back to Work takes the principles of Neuro Linguistic Programming to explore areas such as identity, confidence, guilt, coping with change and limiting beliefs and treating failure as feedback.

Sensory Acuity is the way we internally represent our world. Are you visual, auditory or kinaesthetic? Do you like detail or big picture? Do you notice what works or what doesn’t work? Do you like choices? Are you goal driven or risk averse? In this book you will find out how you tick, what beliefs and values matter to you and how to overcome limiting beliefs using NLP techniques such as the Time Line, anchoring and Perceptual Positioning. All the exercises are easy to do, explained without jargon and the book is an easy read for busy mums.

In the Time Management section you will be invited to check whether what you do fits with your values and encourages you to delegate or do what fits and dump what does not fit.

There are plenty of ideas of jobs and businesses that are aligned to what you want from life at this time and suggestions of areas to explore on your own.

NLP Back to Work costs £6.99 in the shops or £5 if you get it from Judy’s NLP website by clicking HERE

If you’d like to book a SKYPE or telephone coaching session click HERE

As you’ll see from the contents list, the book covers lots of different situations you will experience as a parent whether your child is still a baby or whether they are teenagers. There are plenty of exercises to do and things to think about, quizzes and examples.

If you email me at judy@nlpkids.com I will send you a copy of the first chapter completely FREE

Here’s a copy of the contents page

Part 1 – Basic NLP principles

1. Introduction to NLP – what is NLP, ground rules, Modelling and why NLP is great for your children

2. Identity – who am I? What do I want? Questionnaire What does it all mean?

3. Communicating – Achieving the desired response, rapport, negotiating skills, giving and receiving support, embracing change

4. Time Management – valuing your time, prioritizing, coping with guilt, ‘me’ time, delegating

Part 2 – Applying NLP at home

5. Lack of confidence – coping with fear of failure, not being a good mother, embarrassment, Envy, Knowing your strengths, giving your child confidence, supporting schoolwork, friends

6. Guilty feelings – not enough time for the children, children not eating well, coping with fear and anxiety

7. Coping with change – going back to work, not going back to work, stay at home dad, then there were two, moving house, changing schools, divorce/separation/illness/death, death of a pet

8. Coping with conflict – sibling rivalry, bullying, disobedience, jealousy and anger, internal conflicts, pester power

9. Teenagers – communicating with your teenager, teaching teenagers to be streetwise, sexual issues

You can buy my book direct from me CLICK HERE FOR THE BOOKSHOP and you can pay in any currency by PayPal.

• ‘I can’t!’ challenging limiting beliefs and fears
• Focusing on what works and being solution focused
• Having compelling outcomes – positive thinking and reframing, using feedback as learning

The cost is £12 per session including a copy of NLP for Children or NLP for Teens.

Location is Burnham, Bucks

Call 01628 660618 to book

Monday, Tuesday and Thursday are for children 7-11yrs

Wednesday and Friday for  children aged 12-15yrs

I wrote these after writing Teach Yourself : Be a happier parent with NLP because I felt there was a need for more of a workbook style of NLP book aimed at specific needs

Parents

Children

Teachers

Teenagers

New Mums

Back to Work

They are all quick reads for busy people who want to know how they can use NLP in their lives to tackle the sort of issues they have. The books are illustrated and offer helpful exercises you can do using the NLP techniques. Each exercise gives instructions and space to write down your thoughts.

The children’s book NLP for children is for you and your child to work through together. The ideal age for this is for a child aged about 4-11yrs and obviously a child aged 9-11yr can read and use the book on their own.

The teenage book is written for them to use to address issues they have around school or Uni, work, getting a job, peer group pressure, relationships and so on.

The Back to Work book is perfect for mums thinking about whether to go back to work or not or consider other options such as working freelance, starting their own business or taking on activities which may in time become businesses.

New Mums covers everything connected with pregnancy, childbirth and those early months giving you ways to manage tiredness, stress and the roller coaster of emotions we get at this time. I remember it well!

They are called Engaging NLP because they are workbooks and I want you to engage with them, use them and learn from them in a way I don’t feel existing NLP books can be used. Indeed the Teach Yourself book packed full as it is with everything you could possibly encounter as a parent, is a solid read and not a workbook despite it having exercises in it.

As well as being a mum of 4 children (now aged 11, 19, 22 and 23) and a former teacher, I am a Master Practitioner in NLP and a Trainer. I run workshops and offer NLP coaching on a one to one basis either face to face or via SKYPE or phone but I believe that by reading my books you will find the help you are looking for. If you still need some support please call me (01628 660618 or 00 44 1628 660618) or email me (judy@nlpkids.com) or contact me via the contact form because the reason I write the books and work with children and teenagers (and their parents) is because I care and I want to empower you to be happier parents and for your children to have the skills at their fingertips to be happier children.

NLP has long been used in the workplace but I feel that it is an essential parenting tool because being a parent is, I believe, the most important role we have in life. What we do and say, how we behave and the beliefs we pass on to our children make an enormous impact. They are constantly changing as are we as we learn and experience new things. These books are there for you , to help you in this important role. If I can help you further just get in touch. I don’t charge for a quick phone call or email you know!

If you’ve heard of NLP it’s probably been in the context of business where the principles of Neuro linguistic programming seem to be given more prominence because people associate the results with success in business relationships in management, selling and so on. In fact, NLP is extremely useful in family life and by applying the core principles we can achieve clearer communication of our needs and ensure they are met in an ecological way, that is to everyone’s benefit not just ours!

Whether your pregnancy is planned or unplanned, changes are happening to your body, your mind, your relationships and your future. So how can NLP help?

Well according to NLP we have the resources to do whatever we set our mind to but we may not realise it or recognise the resource. Let’s say for example that you are finding it difficult to keep the secret of your pregnancy at work and you’re afraid you will blurt it out to someone before you’re ready. So when you last had a secret how did you keep it? Maybe someone told you a secret about something and you kept it. How did you do that? What belief did you have about the secret? Do you hold that belief about the secret of your pregnancy? Could you hold that belief? If you change your belief you will change the behaviour associated with the belief.

Are you feeling worried about the birth? How have you coped with other similar events? Have you been able to overcome your worry about another event? How did you succeed in doing that? Could you try the same process this time?

It feels now as if what you are experiencing is all quite new and different and a bit scary. Try to find another situation where you had those feelings. Maybe you felt like this on the first day at a new school? Did you feel like this about your wedding day? What about the first day of a new important job?

Close your eyes and think about that time. Picture yourself before that time, a few days before the event and remember how you felt. What about just before, the day before the event, how did you feel then?

What about the actual event itself, how was that? Picture yourself right in the middle of the event at the very worse moment of it. Can you remember what you did and how you got through the day?

Now picture yourself a few days later. How do you look now, how do you feel? Can you notice anything about yourself after the scary feelings had passed? They do pass don’t they? You do have the resource to overcome the fear of change don’t you?

Lots of mums to be feel guilty that though they are excited about the baby they are worried about whether they will be ‘a good mum’. Again I want you to think about your resources. Take a piece of paper and a pen and write down a list of what you do well. You will have lots of different life experiences, work, friends, sport and so on. What do you do well in each of these situations? What would your friends say of you, what do your parents say of you? All of these skills will make you the good mum you want to be. There is no absolute model of what makes a good mum.

Now look at that list and think about how that quality you have identified could be useful and beneficial to you as a mum. Are you good at making people laugh? Are you kind to your friends? Are you someone they can rely on? Do you learn things quickly? Whatever the qualities are that make you who you are now – these will be what will make you a good mum.

Judy is the author of Teach Yourself: Be a happier parent with NLP and the Engaging NLP workbook NLP for New Mums. Both available at Buy NLP Books