Are you using TOXIC words without realising it?

Be a happier parent with NLP

Neuro Linguistic Programming is the study of the way what we think (neuro) what we say (linguistic) and what we do (programming) affects the results we get in life; whether that be at work or at play. A core principle of NLP is:

If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got.

What this means is that if you want a different result, a better one, then you need to change what you think, say and do. You cannot change your babies and toddlers but by making small changes yourself they will respond differently. So let’s take a look at some of the ways you can do this.

TOXIC WORDS

Don’t think about pink elephants!

What are you doing right now?

Yes you are thinking about pink elephants! You can’t help it. In order to process the instruction “don’t think about pink elephants” you have to think of a pink elephant so you know what it is you are not supposed to be doing.

This is what children do. When you say “Don’t fall!” or “Don’t drop that!” what happens?

It’s called an ‘embedded command’. You’ve put the idea into their head to fall or drop something. You didn’t do it deliberately. In fact what you actually meant was “Watch how you go” or “Be careful” and by changing what you say and using a positive embedded command you will get the desired result. Tell them what you Do want not what you DON’T want.

Your children are fighting and you say “Don’t hurt each other!” They hear “hurt each other” and carry on. Instead tell them what you do want them to do “Stop fighting!”

Think about it. All day long we use the ‘don’t’ word. “Don’t interrupt me when I’m on the phone”, “Don’t pull faces”, “Don’t annoy me”, “Don’t eat any more sweets”.

Tell them what you DO want.

Another toxic word is IF.

‘If’ implies they have a choice. They don’t. For example ‘If you eat your vegetables, you can have a pudding”, “If you go to bed nicely for me you can stay up another half an hour”, “If you are good you can have a sweet.” In these sorts of situations you aren’t offering them a choice. You want them to do what you’ve asked. Not doing it isn’t an option is it? So, use an embedded command here. Assume they will do what you’ve asked by saying instead “When you’ve eaten your vegetables you can have pudding” or “When you are good you can have a sweet.” You are giving them the benefit of the doubt and telling them what will happen when they’ve done what you asked.

How often do you use the word ‘try’?

Try implies that you won’t succeed, that you don’t expect them to succeed.

“Try and eat up your vegetables”, “Try and be good”, “Try and do what you’re told for once” I’m sure we all use the ‘try’ word with our toddlers. We use it with ourselves too, don’t we? Our inner voice tells us “Try and stay calm”, “Try not to lose your temper”. Delete the word ‘try’ and you get an instruction that is clear and unambiguous. They have no choice, they are simply to eat up their vegetables or be good. There is an expectation that they will be able to do that because you have assumed it in your instruction. It’s the same with your own inner self-talk.

Instead of just ‘trying’ – DO IT!

There is a lot more to NLP than a few toxic words and you can read how NLP will make you a happier parent by buying my book ‘Teach Yourself: Be a happier parent with NLP’ and the Engaging NLP series of workbooks for parents, teens, new mums, children, teachers and mums returning to work or setting up their own business. They are all available from http://www.nlpkids.co.uk or Amazon and other bookshops. Join the Facebook Group NLP Kids or ‘like’ the Engaging NLP Facebook page to share NLP parenting ideas with other mums. For Skype or telephone consultations call 00 44 1628 660618