Confidence, or rather, lack of it, is probably the single most common problem that children are brought to me with nowadays. That’s why I wrote my latest Ebook ‘ Confidence for Kids’.
Isn’t it strange how much emphasis we place today on ensuring that our children do well at school, go on to University and get a good job? Only yesterday I was reading that there has been a huge increase in private tutoring to support children at GCSE and A’ Level stage over and above what they do in school. Yet, when we first meet someone we decide in seconds whether we want to be friends, indeed whether we even want to talk to them in the first place. The way our children present themselves will affect them in life. It will determine how quickly they will get their first job, who they make friends with, and how adults respond to them. How people respond and interact with them affects how they in turn see themselves and it determines their self-worth because like it or not, we are influenced by how others see us. We don’t live in a bubble, we live with other people who will take an instant like or dislike to us. Their attitude to us may change over time but in some situations we simply don’t get the time to put ourselves across again. There are jobs out there but employers are complaining that interviewees are not turning up on time for their interview, they aren’t dressed appropriately and can’t hold a conversation. In a nutshell, they don’t know how to present themselves in order to get the result they want.
What can we do about this as parents? Whether you are confident or not will affect how confident your children will be. This book will help you to build your own confidence and it will give you plenty of tips to boost your child’s confidence in different situations. They are appropriate for any age child or teenager.
The book is based on many years’ work coaching children and teenagers in my practice NLP Kids, running focus groups as a children’s Market Researcher and teaching. It will show you how to model confidence to your kids. After all, how will they learn how to be confident unless you show them what it looks, sounds like and how to act in a confident manner.
You will learn lots of ways to notice when your children are confident and how to comment on it so they learn from your feedback. You will learn how to use a confident way of speaking and confident words. How you look will affect how others perceive you before you open your mouth to speak so how can you create the impression you want and how can you encourage your children to do the same?
I have written a number of parenting and self-help books for families which you might like to read if you find this one helpful. I would particularly recommend ‘Be a happier parent with NLP’ and the Engaging NLP series of workbooks including NLP for Children, NLP for Tweens, NLP for Teens, NLP for Parents, NLP for Teachers.
BUY CONFIDENCE FOR KIDS HERE
Here in the UK teenagers are preparing for exams that will seriously affect their job prospects and they know it. They are constantly reminded at school and at home parents urge them to revise, prepare, learn. Every day in the Press we are reminded just how difficult it is for young people to get jobs and it is increasingly the case that teenagers studying hard for exams in the next few months will in fact end up doing a menial boring job such as shelf-stacking in a supermarket. Many of course will go on to University, in some cases to defer the trauma of trying to find a job and in other cases because they want to enjoy the somewhat surreal student life. There is no pretense though. Studying will not automatically get you a job. And ultimately that’s what every teenager wants because it is their pathway to adult status, money in their pocket and a lifestyle. Nobody wants to live on benefits. So what can we , as parents, do to support them when they feel dejected and stressed?
NLP (neuro linguistic programming) is the study of the structure of excellence. What this means is
- Notice when things are going well. What are the signs? You can give your child some positive feedback by showing you’ve noticed. Be specific mentioning exactly what you’ve noticed eg “I see you’re working hard today” and avoid adding any sarcasm or any of your own angst. We help best when we simply comment on what we observe.
- Avoid the use of ‘if’ e.g ‘if you study hard you’ll do well’ because this isn’t necessarily so and also it suggests there is an option which there isn’t.
- Even teenagers want attention from their parents. Giving them attention for not revising is the same thing as giving a toddler attention when they are having a tantrum. Be calm and ignore the behaviour you don’t want such as ‘not revising’ and pay attention to the good behaviour (revising).
- Some children feel overwhelmed by the amount they have to do. They are essentially what we call ‘small chunk’ so discuss with them how they can break down the revision into small bite size chunks with short breaks in between.
- Breaks are really helpful because sitting in one position studying one subject is very intense. Encourage them to structure short active breaks with some fresh air doing something they enjoy that isn’t visual. Give their eyes a break and instead go for a run or play some sport.
- Some children find choices overwhelming. Which subject should they revise first? It’s easier when these children simply have a plan to follow, a ‘to do list’ that they can cross off as they go.
- Auditory children actually work better with music on or the TV as this blocks out the distracting noises or they may prefer silence but occasional uncontrolled noise can distract them. They will also find it easier to read their work out loud or listen to revision tapes.
- Kinaesthetic children will work best copying out notes and actively participating in their revision using interactive revision guides online or testing each other.
- Visual children will learn best by reading their notes, looking at textbooks and revision guides and sample questions.
- When things are going well, encourage them to notice what the factors were. This is the structure of their excellence. They can code it by noting what worked well and repeating the code the next time they want good results.
Judy Bartkowiak is the author of NLP for Teens
She offers Skype Consultations which your teen may find helpful.
What would it be like to have a skill, a qualification that you could not only incorporate into your daily life as a parent or teacher but also earn you a living helping other children and teenagers? Become an NLP Practitioner.
Neuro Linguistic Programming is a way of life, a new way of thinking that at first may be a bit ‘clunky’ but as you develop the skills and use them daily you will soon do it without realising. The changes will become automatic and subconscious as you make the transition from unconscious incompetence to unconscious competence.
There are many NLP Practitioner courses and many offer you the world, they promise to make you wealthy or slim, successful, powerful and so on. My courses don’t promise this. My ambition is to train you as an NLP Practitioner so that you will be a calmer happier parent, be a good role model for your kids and have the skills to share them with others.
Neuro is how we think. This is based on our experiences of life, our upbringing, culture, age and those we’ve grown up with. Many people think that this can’t be changed but let me assure you that it can be. Not only that. It will be. As you start to question some of the beliefs you hold and challenge them you will find yourself replacing them with a new and grown up way of thinking that will give you permission to do some of those things you thought you couldn’t do before. You’ll still be YOU so don’t worry that you’ll lose the best bits. It’s those limiting beliefs that we’ll work on; the beliefs that hold you back from being the parent you want to be.
Linguistic is how we talk. It’s the words and phrases we use to communicate. It’s also that irritating little inner voice that tells us where’s getting it all wrong. The words we use matter. They mean something. They reflect the thinking behind them so we need to ensure that we communicate what we want to communicate and nothing else.
Programming is the results. These are the habits and patterns we’ve formed and the things we keep doing even when we know they don’t work. When you learn about NLP you will start to recognise those patterns and find out how to change them so they are more resourceful and get you the results you want.
The NLP Practitioner course that I run is on Skype and you can find all the details on the NLP Training Page. It will tell you more about me and about NLP. If you decide to join the course then the cost is £550 or its equivalent in your currency and you can pay in installments if you want. The sessions are weekly and there will be homework. The homework is not so much a written test but it is instead an opportunity for you to explain how you have incorporated that bit of learning into your life and your parenting. I shall be available on Skype to help with any questions or issues you have.
There are two courses. One for those who are already qualified in NLP and one for those who are not or who qualified some time ago and want to cover the theory again. For both course you need to connect with me on Skype. My Skype name is judy.bartkowiak
I look forward to hearing from you soon.
When I say the word ‘exam’ what comes to mind? Do you get a picture in your head? Do you hear something? Or do you feel something? Being aware of whether you are visual, auditory or kinaesthetic can help you manage your reactions. Is it the word exam itself or is it what the word exam is associated with such as success or failure, the fear of the implications or the hard word that is required before-hand?
One thing is probably true, most people don’t respond positively to the idea of sitting an exam yet we all have to take them and the results will affect our future so wouldn’t it be so much better if we could reframe our reactions such that they are positive and empowering?
So let’s first face up to how we currently think of exams. Close your eyes and think about exams. Be aware of whether you’re getting images, sounds, feelings in your body.
If you’re getting images, where are you looking for them? If you’re looking up and to the left then you are remembering what happened last time you had an exam. If this was a bad experience or a bad result, think about whether this image is helping you prepare for the next exam. It isn’t. So instead, look up the the right and think about how you’d prefer the image to look. Picture a positive scenario, maybe you confidently answering the questions or you seeing the results up on the noticeboard and YEH you’ve done really well!
If you’re getting sounds, are they coming from your right or your left because again the same thing applies. If they’re sounds from the past (from your left) they may be your parents being annoyed with you or your teacher telling you that you will have to re-sit. Turn your attention to your right and focus on what you want to hear. Maybe you want to hear your mates telling you how well you’ve done.
If you experience feelings in your body, maybe butterflies in your stomach, a sick feeling, headaches or goose bumps then you’re probably looking down and to your right. Look up instead. This tends to subconsciously raise your spirits. Now think about something much more positive, something physical such as stroking your pet, hugging your girl/boyfriend, scoring a goal, running your personal best. As you think of that positive thing, anchor it by squeezing your earlobe. Do this a few times and you’ll be able to squeeze your earlobe when you think about exams and instead get a good feeling.
We can reframe negative things like exams by thinking about all the benefits of them. After all, they are the door to your future career or job, they will enable you to do what you desire in life and when you work hard you’ll never have to take this exam again, will you? They are an opportunity to show what you can do, an opportunity to show off your skills. Are you really going to let your negative thought processes get in the way of success? It is YOUR choice how you decide to feel about exams, no-one else’s. You are in control so make choices that will inspire you and motivate you to become the person you want to be in life.
As the children start breaking up from school at the end of term and getting excited about the summer holidays ahead, some of them know that when they return in September to Year 6 they will be facing possibly the most important exam of their lives, the 11+ which in many areas of the UK is the prerequisite to getting a Grammar School place. Many children will already be heavily into 11+ tutoring and others will be attending 11+ preparation programmes during the summer holidays. Do you know how your child is thinking about the 11+? What’s going on in their mind?
Do you just take them to their tutor and keep conversation about the 11+ to a minimum because you don’t want them to worry about it? Do you get involved and discuss what they’ve learnt and how they feel?
There’s lots you can do to help them feel relaxed about the 11+ by making it part of your everyday conversation. Here are just a few ideas that Carolyn Fitzpatrick (co-author of Passing the 11+ with NLP) suggests.
- Encourage them to read a little every day and ask them about what they’re reading. Share with them what you’re reading, an article in the paper or magazine, something you’ve read online and make reading fun and interesting.
- Notice and comment on compound words that they’ve used e.g. “that’s a compound word isn’t it?”
- Use cash when you go shopping and see who can work out the change quickest
- Teach them the spelling strategy in our book
- Notice when they are sitting still and concentrating. Mention it to them e.g “You’re good at concentrating.” They need to know they have this skill.
- When they make a mistake, encourage them to learn from it. “Now what have we learnt here?”
- Notice what they get right rather than the mistakes.
- Avoid the word ‘try’ it suggests they won’t be able to do it.
- Encourage them to be curious about how to do things, how to work things out and find the correct answer.
- Find out how they learn. Are they visual, auditory or kinaesthetic? Our book shows you how to help them based on their VAK.
- Play memory games (examples in the book) or ask them to remember things like a shopping list.
- Notice homophones when they come up in conversation.
- When they say they ‘can’t’ do something ask them “what if you could do it then what?” this gives them the possibility that perhaps they can.
- Notice words that have similar meanings
At the start of the summer holidays set some goals with them of what they want to have achieved by the end of the holidays. Then decide together how this could be done and be willing to compromise. Let them write out the goal (needs to be positive and ‘towards’ ) and stick it up on the fridge.
Our book takes you through all the different types of question and how to do them as well as detailed descriptions of how to help visual, auditory and kinaesthetic children. Do some of the questions yourself and make them fun. You’ve not done these type of exams for years , enjoy the challenge!
You can buy Passing the 11+ with NLP on Amazon or from my bookshop at £6.99 . It is also available on the Kindle for just £4.79
If you feel that I can help either through having a 121 with your child or if you just want to give me a call tel 01628 660618
I don’t know about you but I’m definitely sensing that it’s near the end of term! For those of you in other countries (I’m writing from the UK) you may already be on summer holidays. Here we enjoy the usual UK rainy summer weather as yet more cricket matches are cancelled because of soggy pitches. The ‘Remember to bring sun cream’ notice at the bottom of every match sheet makes us laugh as they so don’t need it! A brolly would be more useful and wet weather gear.
Anyway the teachers are busy writing reports and we are starting to think about the next term which starts in September because my son leaves his Primary School in a few weeks and will be starting his Secondary school. This has happened to coincide with me writing NLP for Tweens which is aimed at children of his age 10-13yrs to help them manage puberty and the transition from Primary to Secondary school. This is often accompanied by a house move so the book is packed full of tips on how your Tween can manage change.
One of the key ways I describe in the book is to think about what will be similar. It’s called ‘matching’. When we look for similarities we feel more at home and able to cope. As your child approaches a change in his life, remind them what the new situation will be similar to and point out another change they made that they adjusted well to. They need a ‘I can cope with change well’ attitude. Find common ground; perhaps the school looks similar, perhaps some of the children going there will be familiar, will they be playing some of the same sports?
You can find out more about how to prepare your child for change in my book ‘Be a happier parent with NLP’ .
If you want to give them something to read and get involved in NLP for Tweens is workbook style with fun quizzes and loads for them to fill in and think about.
You can buy all my books in my Bookshop but you can also find them on Amazon UK and Amazon US and the Book Depository where they offer Free shipping.